My whole life I kind of suffered from contradicting feelings, wishes, thoughts and goals that showed up at the VERY SAME time. I want stay and to leave, to speak and to listen, to do this and that. At the same time. I can deeply hate and totally love the same person.
I felt confused and oftentimes incoherent with a lack of integrity towards my own feelings. Even worse, people would tell me: you are so inconsistent.
Integration is not the solution
We live in a paradigm of integration: everything needs to be integrated, we need to learn, how to integrate contradicting feelings, sustain ambiguity and learn how to suspend. No sharp edges, no hard cuts, no clear boundaries. Sorry, no, this does not work for me. Integration for me feels like YES, being with all this feelings and sensations, but NO while still not understanding, why they show up in this or that way and how to work through it. It´s been not at all satisfying to me, sounded like a foul compromise, a buzz word people use in order to pacify upcoming question they don’t have a proper answer for.
But then something happened, on a sunny day, walking the streets of San Francisco. I just happened to return from my biofield tuning weekend, where I learned how to work with the electromagnetic field surrounding the human body. My teacher told us, that in every session a different layer of information shows up, depending on what is relevant right now.
All of a sudden I was stroke by a thought, and I am quite sure, this was some information from outside… it felt like I having access to some universal knowledge and wisdom, rather than some insight created inside myself (wherever that might be anyway).
And the thought was the following:
Every thought, every choice, every feeling, every desire shows up in a different, separat layer (or field) and within that layer it is perfectly consistent. As there are different layers at the same time present, they might, can or will feel inconsistent – but ONLY IF YOU TRY TO INTEGRATE THEM. If you accept that they show up on a different level, layer, field, you understand, that they are not contra dictionary at all, but consistent within their own territory.
Actually what our mind does is to assume, that everything shows up on the same layer, and this is why it seems to be inconsistent.
So what we need to do is the opposite: DISTINCTING, NOT INTEGRATING. What a relief
Ever since this thought came to my mind, I stop being concerned and confused about contracting sensations. I developed a practice of distincting sensations and identifying the layers they show up in.
Like the layers of snow in the picture: each layer has a different quality of snow and crystals, holding different information of the time it came into existence (humidity, energy, wind, temperature, quality of time..). All is snow and together it forms the thick cover of snow on the cabin in the Austrian mountains. If you don’t pay attention you think it might be all the same. But experts of snow can read the layers and tell us everything about avalanche danger and behaviour and so on. Like that, I learned how toto distinct and read the layers and phenomena that are likely to show up within them.
Now I am more and more able to take conscious choices on which layer gets more relevance and energy and so decisions show up clearly and easily. I get to understand, that being unhappy and happy at the same time can be both true, depending on the layer I look at, and that being certain and uncertain at the same time does not sum up into something mashy in between. Both feelings are valid, both are there and both have a right to be there. Nothing to be fixed, changed or compartmentalized (separated). Just being aware about the qualities and properties of the layers makes the whole difference. I can be whole, coherent, integer and powerful while experiencing all of that right now.
For me this was a life changing experience turning into a daily practice and that is why I want to share it with you. I don’t know if I was able to pass that message over to you, my language still lagging behind what I want to express. Still, I am very curious if this is helpful for you as well, if you have any questions, or if you want to share your thoughts!